The Three Words That Will Not Trend: I Don’t Know

I keep having the same conversation with clients lately.

If you need to know about the impact of a war halfway around the world at 2am, trust me, you’ll know.

And having the right take through reshares on Instagram doesn’t prove you are a good person, it proves you spend a lot of time on Instagram.

I get it. We all want to make a difference. We want to know we are not alone. We want to know…something…anything for sure. Just for a moment. Just as a little treat.

Being informed is not the same as being good. Right takes are not right actions. They may be an important step, especially to those engaged on policy for heaven’s sake. But it’s the pinnacle of hubris to assume that I can have an informed and grounded stance on every major issue right now. And it’s the churning hunger of the attention economy that has the biggest stake in convincing me that if I scroll a little longer, I’ll finally get it.

So this is why I tell clients to contain their exposure to breaking news and why I work so hard to do this myself. I sit down with myself once a quarter or so and bitterly negotiate with my inner stakeholders about this. My avoidant parts, the parts that want to be seen as a good person, my parts that long for safety through good information. They all get to have a say and honestly no one fully gets their way.

So that’s why I’m always telling my clients to, in addition to having boundaries around the news, pick up a book. Or at least listen to one on their phone while they play candy crush (yes I am an elder millennial, thanks).

Because the legal limit at which my system can integrate news is not enough for my schemey human brain. We evolved in conditions where, for millennia, information was survival and now I am drowning in a sea of breaking news alerts.

But still, the soft animal of my body wants what it wants. And when I’m scared, she wants more information.

So I disconnect from the current politics and wars and rumors of wars and I pick up a book. Even a political book. Whatever I am curious about.

And it’s not for some sanctimonious “no one reads these days” sort of reason. It’s because no matter what it’s about, it isn’t happening right now. Books are deep and full of information. But they aren’t urgent.

If I can’t have peace and certainty, I can at least have curiosity and welcome the depths of my dis-ease. I can create a place where my anger and self-doubt are seen and understood. And so can you.

I want to give you permission to think out loud even if you don’t have it all figured out. That’s sort of the point, right? You don’t have to be certain to be curious and engaged and good. You’re allowed to not know. And you’re allowed to say that.

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Autumn Starks is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), Internal Family Systems Certified IFS Therapist, with a special interest in religious trauma, complex PTSD, and ketamine-assisted psychotherapy. She is the founder of Starks Therapy Group in Oak Park, IL.

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